So there is this guy who has managed to eat 25,000 Big Macs in his life(with the proof to back it up, apparently--right, 'cause when he first ever ate a Big Mac he kept the packaging?). I don't get why this is a big achievement that the world needs recorded and splashed all over the media (ok, so the digital age tends to inflate the marketability of just any story).
He was covered in the documentary Supersize Me. Wasn't that enough? Does anyone care that this dude eats the same thing all the time? NO. I tend to do the same thing, too. I am a habitual eater. Lately, I've been stuck on pretzels. Basically all I've been eating, really. No one cares. Not me, not you, not Rold Gold, no one.
Ahh, so it is springtime and there is an unfortunate amount of wedding-themed comedies coming to theaters. Entertainment Web sites think it is funny how all these kinds of movies seem to use the same lame jokes and plot points. NY Mag's Vulture thinks so, as does TV Without Pity. I think its funny that more than one Web site is running articles about this. Maybe coming up with an original idea isn't as easy as people think.
Oh, Mila Kunis. How unfortunate that you played Natalie Portman's understudy in Black Swan, the film that won Portman an Oscar. Why? Because the fates of release dates have you follow that performance up with you headlining a film--Friends With Benefits--that is more or less the spitting image of No Strings Attached. The latter is a lame film Portman starred in with Ashton Kutcher and which sat on a studio shelf for a while, but was finally released once the Academy started buzzing about her as a psychotic ballerina.
Yeah, poor, poor Mila Kunis. So pretty, so thin, so talented, so always in second place.
Time Warner is now using Plastic Bertrand's geniusly catchy and fun song "Ca Plan Pour Moi" in a TV commercial. I thought that was odd, 'cause, yeah the song is AMAZING but it's sung completely in French. Also, I know that Elton Motello took the music and rewrote the lyrics for "Jet Boy Jet Girl" which is a very dirty homoerotic song, which I also love--how could I not with lyrics like "Jet Boy, I'm gonna make you penetrate, I'm gonna make you be a girl, ooooooo-eeeeee-ooooooo, he gives me head".
But then, seeing the French song in this commercial (which hasn't made it to YouTube, thankfully) , I wondered what the French version was actually saying. It's not terribly dirty, but is wonderfully fun and surreal and punk rock. Hell, it starts with a cat (named Splash, no less!) panting because it's drunk on whisky. Wooo-hooo. I don't think Time Warner knows this, nor does it care. But here you go people, the best English equivalent (apparently it is super colloquial/slangy -- duh -- so it was tough for the translator):
Wham! Bam! my cat Splash
lies on my bed with his tongue puffed out
by drinking all my whisky.
As for me, not enough sleep, drained, persecuted,
I had to sleep in the gutter
where I had a flash
Oooo-ooo-ooo-ooo!
in four colours
Allez-oop! One morning
a darling came to my home,
a cellophane puppet with Chinese hair,
a plaster, a hangover,
drank my beer in a large rubber glass
Oooo-ooo-ooo-ooo!
like an Indian in his igloo
This works for me, this works for me
This works for me me me me me
This work for me
Oooo-ooo-ooo-ooo!
This works for me
Allez-oop! The chick***, what a gas!
what a vibration!
to be sent on the door mat
filed, ruined, drained, filled
You are the King of the divan!
she says to me in passing
Oooo-ooo-ooo-ooo!
I am the King of the divan
This works for me, this works for me
This works for me me me me me
This workss for me
Oooo-ooo-ooo-ooo!
This works for me
Allez-oop! Don't mind, don't worry
Don't affect me
It’s not today
that the sky will fall on my head
and I'll be without glue
Oooo-ooo-ooo-ooo!
This life’s for me
Allez-oop! my chick has gone away,
flew away, finally had enough, to break
the sink, the bar, leaving me alone
like a complete jerk
Oooo-ooo-ooo-ooo!
I've put my foot in it
This works for me, this works for me
This works for me me me me me
This workss for me
Oooo-ooo-ooo-ooo!
This works for me
This workss for me, this works for me
This works for me me me me me
I know that settling out of court is not "legally" the same as admitting guilt, but let's be honest: it is in the public mind, isn't it?
First off, I missed this when it was first news. Secondly, I am intrigued by the fact that the woman pushed David Boreanaz away in one instance, and he then jerked off all the way until ejaculation in her witness. Why didn't she just leave? That doesn't make it right, if he did this, I'm just wondering about where her head was.
Flashguns. The band only has an EP out at this point, but I am swooning. All young and British and passionate. Sigh.
And they have a new single, but I can only post YouTube videos here, so go here to see the video with the dogs!
Hahahahhahhahaha. Snoop Dogg's biggest hit was a song released in 1994 called Gin & Juice. He is also possibly more famous for being a pot enthusiast than for music at this point, and now awatchdog group fears Snoop Dogg might be inspiring kids to drink? Hahahhahahha.... what a joke.
I don't like laws that are meant to protect us from ourselves. Laws to protect us from others, OK, but from ourselves, not so much. If someone wants to pay good money to drink alcohol laden with caffeine, then I say more power to them. Four Loko, the syrupy malt liquor beverage that contained very legal stimulants was ripped off shelves when the government decided that adults weren't responsible enough to drink it. No laws were passed, but the manufacturer was pretty much strong-armed into changing its product. Sure, maybe some underage kids were dabbling in Four Loko imbibing, but those same kids are also imbibing everything else irresponsibly--here's where I subscribe strongly to Darwinism. The smart and strong adapt and survive.
Anyway... Four Loko was outta circulation for a bit. Now it is back, without the caffeine bite. So now it is still a sugary, fruity malt liquor drink. Phew. Thank goodness. I mean, it isn't like you can go to a pharmacy (perhaps the same Rite Aid or Walgreens where you might buy the Four Loko) and pick up some No Doz caffeine pills. And even if you did, you would never, ever pop those while you were drinking your Four Loko. Nope. Not ever.
Liz Taylor has died. I have nothing to say about that. Amongst the myriad articles about her passing I found the above photo. How did she not die just from wearing that dress? Look at her waist. How tiny is that? Where are her innards?
I applaud anyone who won't let their music be a part of Glee. That show just annoys me in every which way. And isn't it rather juvenile that show creator Ryan Murphy has public fits if someone dares turns him down. It doesn't even make sense. He approached them, ostensibly, because he liked their music and was maybe even a fan, but then tries to deride them? Perhaps he never learned that you don't always get what you want. What a brat.
Why even go public about it? There are, apparently, oodles of songwriters who are cool with the show, so why pick on those who say no. Just let it pass. Why call attention to yourself? There is no way he looks good. The artists didn't slaughter babies, they just opted not to let Glee cash in on their success. It's business. Deal with it.
Dave Grohl's response is on point. Musicians have the right of refusal. Kings of Leon, and yes, even you Slash, I salute you! And Ryan Murphy, well, you're just a bully.
The thing about our digital world is that it has too many ways to get yourself into trouble, what with its very public and very immediate forums.And so Gilbert Gottfried has learned that. Stupid, really.
How will AFLAC ever replace him? Who in the world could squeal the brand name in an annoying and duck-like manner? Just about anyone, that's who. Why were they even paying a name to do that job?
Thanks to Stereogum, I discovered Keaton Henson's debut (it came out in November 2010). He breaks my heart. He makes me cry. I bought the album on Wednesday. It is now Friday, and I have listened to it at least ten times already. I've listened to it while walking... while working... while drinking... while screwing. I want to be his songs. It's been a long while since I've gotten hit this hard.
Aaron Eckhart interviewed by Craig Ferguson. One of the most entertaining and best-looking interviews I've seen in a while. Sigh... Eckhart's reasons for not going to the movies are great. And his skilled jousting with the quick-tongued Scot is just a lovely thing.
Famous guy Quentin Tarantino lives next door to famous guy Alan Ball. One keeps macaws as pets, the other doesn't. One is unhappy about the noise the macaws make and is suing the other. Guess who is the defendant and who is not!
What is this, the Victorian era? Whose dress is so tight they need medical attention anymore? Joan Collins, that's whose. Pretty sure it wasn't the dress so much as the corset she probably had put on before squishing herself into the dress. Sheesh.
I've been quiet about Charlie Sheen's recent multiple crazed rants and cocky displays of self-importance, mostly because he's not being anyone he hadn't already established himself to be. He has an enormous history of egoism, drug use, abusive misogyny, and paying for sex (he was one of Heidi Fleiss's celebrity clients) . So all his noise is a little boring and embarrassing. It reminds me of Anna Nicole Smith at her worst. I could never watch her without cringing deeply and changing the channel. Same thing here.
Now, Mr. Sheen's former Two and a Half Men costar, Jon Cryer has teamed with Ellen Degeneres in a clever video (sorry it's not on the YouTube as of yet) that subtly addresses the real fallout of the demise of the powerhouse sitcom that was still topping the ratings, even eight seasons in. While it may be hard to feel sorry for exorbitantly paid actors, there are so many others affected, and they are scrambling for jobs.
Finally, I think Chuck Lorre, the creator of the series, really missed an opportunity to put Sheen in his place. Rather than shutting down production, Lorre could be writing scripts that would force Sheen (who for all intents and purposes has been playing himself all along) to skewer himself. The character of Charlie could be turned into a heartless, raving madman or a prissy eunuch or whatever Lorre fancied, really. Well, no matter how you look at it, it's hard to say that anyone involved is truly "bi-winning".
Yeah, Yeah, Carmelo Anthony will play for the Knicks next season. Thus, inevitably, local businesses have gotten all excited about it, the Carnegie Deli included. It now features a supposed sandwich in his honor. However, this is not a sandwich.
(sandwich pictured is not the Carmelo)
One of the rules for a sandwich should be the ability to stand on its own. A sloppy meat-pile that needs to lean on its other half to support its own disgusting weight (while also bearing the indignity of having a bad iceberg lettuce toupee and a ratty rye hat balanced precariously on top) is not a sandwich. My whole understanding of a sandwich is that it is convenient, because you're supposed to be able to pick it up and eat it easily.
Also, if you're naming a menu item after a guy named Carmelo, I'd be damned sure to put caramelized onions on it. Instead, this has pastrami, corned beef, salami, bacon, tomato, Russian dressing. Not a caramelized anything in sight. Opportunity lost, Carnegie Deli, opportunity lost.
Why would anyone looking to promote their work compare it in any way to Eyes Wide Shut?
Worst acting ever. Tom Cruise is awful. Nicole Kidman is awful. It's all the more awful because they were married at the time so you'd think there be some sort of chemistry. Give yourself 10 points if you get through this entire scene.
Does your pet know what you are talking about?This article says no, but they do get where you going with what you're saying. I have the same sort of understanding with my cats--especially the one called Tomochichi. He has a full range of intonations that I can recognize.
Here's the rundown (in totally human interpretation):
The god-awful MROWWWWWR MROWWWWWR on continuous loop for when he is hungry.
The lilting MAOW for when he is curious.
The annoying, alligatoresque HISSSSSSS for when he wants to be left alone.
The cozy PURRR for when he is content.
The yippy MAH MAH MAH for when he's anxious.
But, and I was just telling a friend about this, this cat, this splendid tuxedo cat sings. Don't get me wrong. I'm not some blue-haired old biddy calling the local news to show up about her yowling cat that she swears is saying "I love you." No, not at all.
Tomochichi is not singing like a human would sing, but it's not the drawn out misery of caterwauling, either. This is a cat exercising his instrument. The noise is a combination of purrs, gurgles and, every now and then, that lilting MAOW mentioned above. I can hear him in another room when I lie in bed. It will last ten or fifteen minutes on-or-off. It's unusually beautiful and beguiling at the same time. I know it's him because my other two cats will be in the bed with me. I have wondered out loud, "Tomochichi, who are you talking to?" But he just goes on with his little tune, ignoring the pleas for attention from his audience. Such a rock star.
So, can he understand me? Most times, no (but he does react to the question "Hungry?" rather well). But it's OK. I don't understand his songs, but he's a cat, I'm sure they're not lyrically genius anyway.
Rock N Roll photog David LaChapelle is suing Rihanna for making a music video for a song called S&M that uses styling similar to some photos he once composed and shot. Of course, he doesn't point out that the scenes (and his photos) also all look pretty standard for the world of sado-masochistic fetishism. So, does LaChapelle have a chance in hell of winning the case? Cases of plagiarizing written words and/or songs are regularly successfully won, but cases regarding the visual arts are less successful (AP photographer vs. Shep Fairey, anyone?). The defense, of course, is "inspiration" and "homage".
Frankly, I'm conflicted. I make paintings. I have influences, and I wouldn't be surprised if most people could name them just by looking at the images I create. Should I be sued? Is the situation different for Rihanna? Yeah probably (especially since the video director, and not the singer, probably conceived the video). My gut is telling me that there is so much commonality in the world of S&M, and more than enough differences between the video and David LaChapelle's photos for this case to go nowhere. But then again, I ain't a lawyer...
Jeff Mangum, the man who gave the music world two Neutral Milk Hotel albums and then just sort of disappeared, began inching out of hiding last year.
He played a very tiny solo set during the benefit for Chris Knox at Le Poisson Rouge last year. Then, in the winter, he played a full, but still solo, invite-only set to about 100 people at an old brick schoolhouse in Bushwick in the shadows of the elevated train tracks. That was a very, very special thing, and am pleased to say that I experienced it. As a live performer, his voice is perfect, and his shy, nervous ways are endearing. Hands down it was the best thing in my 2010.
Now Mangum is making even bigger moves.I'm glad to have experienced both shows last year (as well as the three or four NMH shows--one in the band's home of Athens, GA, even--I saw when that band was functioning), because I fear securing tickets to this comeback tour might require a magic trick or two.
As a fan of Arrested Development, I'm glad to see that Mitch Hurwitz, the show's creator, has a good sense of humor about its deemed failure in the U.S. There are some sweet TV show writing tips in there--stuff that mere amateurs would never think would affect a show's success. My favorite was having multiple characters with the same name (but shame on him for not noting the two Lucilles and the "loose seal" that bit off Buster's hand).
By the way, in my mind, Arrested Development was a grand success. Sure, Hurwitz, the cast, and others, may have wanted it to go on and on and on, but I was happy with the three seasons. Too often, more than that leads to a miserable experience for viewers.
So, those guys from the "Never Missed a Super Bowl Club" (quite possibly the clumsiest name for a club, ever) who appeared this past football season in those ads for Visa, remember those guys? Well, it seems that one of them missed this year's game and now he's dead.
C.C. Sabathia, star pitcher for the New York Yankees, has slimmed down over his winter break. Reportedly, he lost about 25 pounds. Good for him. But c'mon, did he honestly needed a nutritionist to tell him that eating a whole box of Cap'n Crunch in one sitting was not the way to stay trim? Silly rich person, you don't need a nutritionist to figure this stuff out!
Let's say C.C. was chowing down on the 15 oz. box of plain Cap'n (not peanut butter, not Crunchberry--though I bet it was Crunchberry). And hell, let's say he managed to do that without any milk--though, I'm almost convinced he probably would've used heavy cream. Well, there is about 1,635 calories in that 15 oz. box. You need to take in 3,500 fewer calories to lose one pound of body weight. Geez, man, just abstain from scarfing down two entire boxes of the Cap'n, and you're already down a pound, C.C.!
(Also, I wonder how the Gatorade folks feel about him cutting out sports drinks.)
Given the attire on display in this collection, I am fairly certain there was an editing mistake at CNN.com and this slide show was meant to be titled simply "Dressed And At The Grammys".
Do we need articles explaining which two celebrities are dating? No. But even less needed are articles about which celebrities are NOT dating. Not even articles about which celebrities are no longer dating, but which celebrities never were a couple, so lay off, people. Every day I could file articles like this one about Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn. I’ll just find photos of celebrities standing near each other and set the record straight.
First up, Justin Bieber and Usher. They are not dating. They never dated at all, even though they are often photographed together.
The people running the Oscars have no sense of humor, no sense of adventure, no sense of -- actually no sense at all. It seems they are taking precautions to keep Banksy offstage should Exit Through the Gift Shop win the Best Documentary award. Why? Because the notoriously private artist might show up in his cartoonish monkey mask, and that would just be insulting to the Academy. Please! If that happened, it would be a helluva good time. I mean, how could it be more insulting than Rob Lowe singing onstage with Snow White at the 1989 Oscars (so embarrassing an event that I can't find video of it online because the Academy has purged it from sites worldwide?
My gut feeling is, if Banksy wants to be there, Banksy will mother-fucking be there. THE MAN HAS HUNG UP HIS OWN WORK IN MUSEUMS WHILE THE MUSEUMS WERE OPEN! He has painted on the West Bank Wall. He has gotten into zoos and put signs up in animal enclosures. I don't know Banksy, but I can tell you this, he ain't scared of a bunch of suits who give out awards for movies. After all, no one knows what he looks like, so how do you protect against that? He could send up someone else pretending to be Banksy. We wouldn't know, now would we?
Of course, wouldn't it just be so swell if Banksy's movie wins? I mean, how he would've managed to take his joke that far, what with his "documentary" not really being a documentary at all, but an ingenious stab at the gullibility of the art world. Getting the Oscar would be the cherry on top of the cake that has already been so lavishly iced. Good luck Banksy, I hope you get the little gold man, and I hope you get to make a mockery of Hollywood's biggest night.
My name is Kelso Jacks, and this happens to me a lot: I find a story online and think of witty/silly/sly/ridiculous comments to make about it, so I hurry to ye olde facebook and post the link and my witty/silly/sly/ridiculous comments. But there are times, I know it must not seem like it, when I stop myself from posting because it seems like maybe nobody else cares to see that. Perhaps, I think, I am not as amusing to others as I am to myself. Fair enough.
You see, I have an ego that is at odds with itself. Sometimes I believe that I am the greatest facebook contributor ever. But more often, I think that I am annoying the shit out of my friends and acquaintances. The only good thing that I've ever done on facebook is chosen to only accept people I actually know as friends. And that only helps fool me into the belief that those chumps, by being in my facebook network, knew what they were getting into--that they want to see every thought that pops into my head about every stimuli I encounter.
So... what to expect here? Links to stories about news, celebrity, entertainment, animals, politics, food, disease, fashion, and everything else (except space, I really hate outer space) paired with my witty/silly/sly/ridiculous comments. Duh. It's almost as if you didn't read the previous paragraphs. Geez.
Sorry. I didn't mean to be rude there. You are great. Thanks for reading this at all. And, yeah, maybe there will be other things posted. I'm not sure. I'm really just looking for a warm, stable place to go to when things get rough. Are you going to take that from me? I thought not.
