Your Moment of Schadenfreude: Oprah's Folly

Somehow, Oprah Winfrey Network has fewer viewers than Discovery Health did. I didn’t realize there were any real numbers lower than zero. 

You Call That A Sandwich?

Yeah, Yeah, Carmelo Anthony will play for the Knicks next season. Thus, inevitably, local businesses have gotten all excited about it, the Carnegie Deli included. It now features a supposed sandwich in his honor. However, this is not a sandwich.

(sandwich pictured is not the Carmelo)

One of the rules for a sandwich should be the ability to stand on its own. A sloppy meat-pile that needs to lean on its other half to support its own disgusting weight (while also bearing the indignity of having a bad iceberg lettuce toupee and a ratty rye hat balanced precariously on top) is not a sandwich. My whole understanding of a sandwich is that it is convenient, because you're supposed to be able to pick it up and eat it easily.

Also, if you're naming a menu item after a guy named Carmelo, I'd be damned sure to put caramelized onions on it. Instead, this has pastrami, corned beef, salami, bacon, tomato, Russian dressing. Not a caramelized anything in sight. Opportunity lost, Carnegie Deli, opportunity lost.

If You Men Only Knew...

Why would anyone looking to promote their work compare it in any way to Eyes Wide Shut?

Worst acting ever. Tom Cruise is awful. Nicole Kidman is awful. It's all the more awful because they were married at the time so you'd think there be some sort of chemistry. Give yourself 10 points if you get through this entire scene.

Sit. Good! Paw. Good! Who's your favorite philosopher?

Does your pet know what you are talking about? This article says no, but they do get where you going with what you're saying. I have the same sort of understanding with my cats--especially the one called Tomochichi. He has a full range of intonations that I can recognize.

Here's the rundown (in totally human interpretation):
The god-awful MROWWWWWR MROWWWWWR on continuous loop for when he is hungry.
The lilting MAOW for when he is curious.
The annoying, alligatoresque HISSSSSSS for when he wants to be left alone.
The cozy PURRR for when he is content.
The yippy MAH MAH MAH for when he's anxious.

But, and I was just telling a friend about this, this cat, this splendid tuxedo cat sings. Don't get me wrong. I'm not some blue-haired old biddy calling the local news to show up about her yowling cat that she swears is saying "I love you." No, not at all.

Tomochichi is not singing like a human would sing, but it's not the drawn out misery of caterwauling, either. This is a cat exercising his instrument. The noise is a combination of purrs, gurgles and, every now and then, that lilting MAOW mentioned above. I can hear him in another room when I lie in bed. It will last ten or fifteen minutes on-or-off. It's unusually beautiful and beguiling at the same time. I know it's him because my other two cats will be in the bed with me. I have wondered out loud, "Tomochichi, who are you talking to?" But he just goes on with his little tune, ignoring the pleas for attention from his audience. Such a  rock star.

So, can he understand me? Most times, no (but he does react to the question "Hungry?" rather well). But it's OK. I don't understand his songs, but he's a cat, I'm sure they're not lyrically genius anyway.

Oh Baby!

Toddlers. Drunk people. Really, it's all the same.

Publish Post

Weighty Matter

Heavy Stuff On Top Of People is the title of the Life magazine photo collection. It is also the name of my new band.

Don't Plagiarize Or Take On Loan

Rock N Roll photog David LaChapelle is suing Rihanna for making a music video for a song called S&M that uses styling similar to some photos he once composed and shot. Of course, he doesn't point out that the scenes (and his photos) also all look pretty standard for the world of sado-masochistic fetishism. So, does LaChapelle have a chance in hell of winning the case? Cases of plagiarizing written words and/or songs are regularly successfully won, but cases regarding the visual arts are less successful (AP photographer vs. Shep Fairey, anyone?). The defense, of course, is "inspiration" and "homage".
                
Frankly, I'm conflicted. I make paintings. I have influences, and I wouldn't be surprised if most people could name them just by looking at the images I create. Should I be sued? Is the situation different for Rihanna? Yeah probably (especially since the video director, and not the singer, probably conceived the video). My gut is telling me that there is so much commonality in the world of S&M, and more than enough differences between the video and David LaChapelle's photos for this case to go nowhere. But then again, I ain't a lawyer...

A God Returns To Earth

Jeff Mangum, the man who gave the music world two Neutral Milk Hotel albums and then just sort of disappeared, began inching out of hiding last year.

He played a very tiny solo set during the benefit for Chris Knox at Le Poisson Rouge last year. Then, in the winter, he played a full, but still solo, invite-only set to about 100 people at an old brick schoolhouse in Bushwick in the shadows of the elevated train tracks. That was a very, very special thing, and am pleased to say that I experienced it. As a live performer, his voice is perfect, and his shy, nervous ways are endearing. Hands down it was the best thing in my 2010. 

Now Mangum is making even bigger moves.I'm glad to have experienced both shows last year (as well as the three or four NMH shows--one in the band's home of Athens, GA, even--I saw when that band was functioning), because I fear securing tickets to this comeback tour might require a magic trick or two.

Say what?

This blurb about an upcoming book by Rachel Dratch is one very long sentence that makes no sense.

Hey Brother!

As a fan of Arrested Development, I'm glad to see that Mitch Hurwitz, the show's creator, has a good sense of humor about its deemed failure in the U.S. There are some sweet TV show writing tips in there--stuff that mere amateurs would never think would affect a show's success. My favorite was having multiple characters with the same name (but shame on him for not noting the two Lucilles and the "loose seal" that bit off Buster's hand).

By the way, in my mind, Arrested Development was a grand success. Sure, Hurwitz, the cast, and others, may have wanted it to go on and on and on, but I was happy with the three seasons. Too often, more than that leads to a miserable experience for viewers.

What Were the Odds?

So, those guys from the "Never Missed a Super Bowl Club" (quite possibly the clumsiest name for a club, ever) who appeared this past football season in those ads for Visa, remember those guys? Well, it seems that one of them missed this year's game and now he's dead.

Also, Cut Back on Mainlining BBQ Sauce

Oh, rich people are silly.

C.C. Sabathia, star pitcher for the New York Yankees, has slimmed down over his winter break. Reportedly, he lost about 25 pounds. Good for him. But c'mon, did he honestly needed a nutritionist to tell him that eating a whole box of Cap'n Crunch in one sitting was not the way to stay trim? Silly rich person, you don't need a nutritionist to figure this stuff out!

Let's say C.C. was chowing down on the 15 oz. box of plain Cap'n (not peanut butter, not Crunchberry--though I bet it was Crunchberry). And hell, let's say he managed to do that without any milk--though, I'm almost convinced he probably would've used heavy cream. Well, there is about 1,635 calories in that 15 oz. box. You need to take in 3,500 fewer calories to lose one pound of body weight. Geez, man, just abstain from scarfing down two entire boxes of the Cap'n, and you're already down a pound, C.C.!

(Also, I wonder how the Gatorade folks feel about him cutting out sports drinks.)

I Do Not Think That Means What You Think That Means

Given the attire on display in this collection, I am fairly certain there was an editing mistake at CNN.com and this slide show was meant to be titled simply "Dressed And At The Grammys".

I, Too, Am Not Dating Sean Penn

Do we need articles explaining which two celebrities are dating? No. But even less needed are articles about which celebrities are NOT dating. Not even articles about which celebrities are no longer dating, but which celebrities never were a couple, so lay off, people. Every day I could file articles like this one about Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn. I’ll just find photos of celebrities standing near each other and set the record straight. 

First up, Justin Bieber and Usher. They are not dating. They never dated at all, even though they are often photographed together. 

Academy Awards: How Do You Solve a Problem Like Banksy?

The people running the Oscars have no sense of humor, no sense of adventure, no sense of -- actually no sense at all. It seems they are taking precautions to keep Banksy offstage should  Exit Through the Gift Shop win the Best Documentary award. Why? Because the notoriously private artist might show up in his cartoonish monkey mask, and that would just be insulting to the Academy. Please! If that happened, it would be a helluva good time. I mean, how could it be more insulting than Rob Lowe singing onstage with Snow White at the 1989 Oscars (so embarrassing an event that I can't find video of it online because the Academy has purged it from sites worldwide?

My gut feeling is, if Banksy wants to be there, Banksy will mother-fucking be there. THE MAN HAS HUNG UP HIS OWN WORK IN MUSEUMS WHILE THE MUSEUMS WERE OPEN! He has painted on the West Bank Wall. He has gotten into zoos and put signs up in animal enclosures. I don't know Banksy, but I can tell you this, he ain't scared of a bunch of suits who give out awards for movies. After all, no one knows what he looks like, so how do you protect against that? He could send up someone else pretending to be Banksy. We wouldn't know, now would we?

Of course, wouldn't it just be so swell if Banksy's movie wins? I mean, how he would've managed to take his joke that far, what with his "documentary" not really being a documentary at all, but an ingenious stab at the gullibility of the art world. Getting the Oscar would be the cherry on top of the cake that has already been so lavishly iced. Good luck Banksy, I hope you get the little gold man, and I hope you get to make a mockery of Hollywood's biggest night.

Hello.

 My name is Kelso Jacks, and this happens to me a lot: I find a story online and think of witty/silly/sly/ridiculous comments to make about it, so I hurry to ye olde facebook and post the link and my witty/silly/sly/ridiculous comments. But there are times, I know it must not seem like it, when I stop myself from posting because it seems like maybe nobody else cares to see that. Perhaps, I think, I am not as amusing to others as I am to myself. Fair enough.

You see, I have an ego that is at odds with itself. Sometimes I believe that I am the greatest facebook contributor ever. But more often, I think that I am annoying the shit out of my friends and acquaintances. The only good thing that I've ever done on facebook is chosen to only accept people I actually know as friends. And that only helps fool me into the belief that those chumps, by being in my facebook network, knew what they were getting into--that they want to see every thought that pops into my head about every stimuli I encounter.

So... what to expect here?  Links to stories about news, celebrity, entertainment, animals, politics, food, disease, fashion, and everything else (except space, I really hate outer space) paired with my witty/silly/sly/ridiculous comments. Duh. It's almost as if you didn't read the previous paragraphs. Geez.

Sorry. I didn't mean to be rude there. You are great. Thanks for reading this at all. And, yeah, maybe there will be other things posted. I'm not sure. I'm really just looking for a warm, stable place to go to when things get rough. Are you going to take that from me? I thought not.

Right, OK, so go now and be good. Play nice.